Friendly Failures

I am constantly tricking myself. I’m one of those people who sets the clock to be five minutes fast. I cut up credit cards so I can’t use them. I set little lotion bottles everywhere so I’ll remember to moisturize. I put post-its all over the place with things like, “Don’t forget your salad” or “Your underwear is most likely sticking out. Check on that.” Sometimes, when I’ve been drinking, I leave notes that say things like “Your car is still at the bar. So is your phone. You took a cab. You tipped him $18.00. That was stupid. Don’t worry, we’re safe. Love, DrunkYou.”

The thing about reminders is that, though they serve their purpose “Oh, that totally reminded me,” it’s often too late. “Great, I forgot my salad.”

“Oh cool, I didn’t drink and drive. Now, how am I going to call a cab?”

The nature of my job is such that I constantly have to remind myself of things. “Call Carl,” said a friendly reminder on my Outlook. “Thanks, Outlook,” I thought, “Okay, who’s Carl?”

Salad, Outlook, and Carl, I have failed you.

Sometimes, when I see black garbage bags on the road, I swear to Ghandi, I think, “Holy shit, what if there’s a baby in that bag?” This incites a flutter of panic. My heart skips. Some teen mom has stuffed an infant in a garbage sack and there it lies, defenseless and freezing! What if it’s hungry? I hate being hungry! Some one should do something!

Maybe I’ll write myself a post-it so I can remember to check on those little baby sacks.

I swerve.

“At least I didn’t kill it?”

What are your best methods for “tricking” yourself?



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