EXtiquette

Whenever I hear, “My ex was a psycho,” I assume the person telling the story is lying. Or he’s a bad judge of character to have dated a “psycho” in the first place.  Or, he’s both a liar and a bad judge of character, which means no; you should not go on a second date with him. If you’d like to go home with him, that’s your prerogative, but do you really want to share skin with someone who will someday call you names?

In my opinion, people who say bad things about exes are slutty.

Just kidding. They may not be slutty, but they’re definitely not over the breakup.

 People whose exes are still calling? They’re still answering.

If ex “won’t leave him alone,” he’s either too nice or too stupid to cut the cord. My vote is for the latter.

As an adult, I haven’t had any bad exes, because I’ve chosen not to date bad people. To quote the husband of my girl Beyonce, “If you’re having girl problems, I feel bad for you son. I’ve got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.” (By the way, Jay Z’s real name is Shawn).

What I believe Shawn was getting at is that he made good choices from the start, and now he will not have to deal with unfortunate repercussions. People don’t suddenly turn into “psychos.” What usually happens (barring infidelity) in mature breakups is any combination of these five things:

1.You realize you cannot change the other person, and that she just cannot meet your needs.
2.You grew apart over time and/or distance.
3.Things got a little too lax, and you’ve let yourselves go. You’re no longer romantically interested.
4.You choose different life paths that don’t coincide.
5.The two of you just weren’t compatible. You weren’t.

To experience animosity toward an ex is to say that you haven’t come to terms with the reality, and you are still laying blame on another person for the above five things. It takes two. It always has. Maybe your ex was just the first to admit that shit had gone awry. It’s heartbreaking, but so is your face.  People just need to go their separate ways sometimes, and that’s it.

In the future, I hope your date-talk doesn’t drift to past loves, but if the subject arises, I want you to say “Eh, it was time to go our separate ways,” or a simple “We outgrew each other,” will suffice. Anything more than that, and you’re just not ready to be dating again.

___

“I was the grandpa of ALL YOU F*CKS!”

 

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