You Look Like a Drag Queen.

If it takes you more than 30 minutes to get ready, what you need is therapy, not cosmetics.

I was going to be presenting at a meeting, so I thought I should look like a human, and that involved lipstick and eyeliner. And, of course, I rarely do anything without telling people all about it, so I decided to time myself and see if my “30-Minute Theory’’ had any merit. I even curled my hair, which I haven’t done since 2008.

From Bathrobe-and-Morning-Breath to Finished Product: 17 minutes. Well, 18 minutes, because I stabbed myself putting my brooch on. Not a lady, this one. Nope. But, as I looked in the mirror, I thought, I’d do me. And I would.

I didn’t rush, either. I actually sat there and thought of more things to add. As I was walking out the door I thought, How could anyone possibly take hours to get ready? What the hell are you doing in there? I have to assume it’s got something to do with plucking, or maybe you’re meditating. Or maybe what you need is plastic surgery, and frankly, that doesn’t come in a tube from Clinique.

In my former life, I was a waitress, and my boss said something to me that I’ll always remember. “Get organized in your personal life so you’ll be organized in your professional life.”

Perhaps what’s taking so long is that your shit is everywhere. Is your closet a disaster and you can’t ever find anything to wear? Or maybe it’s insecurity. Do you feel like you “just don’t look right”?

We’ve all been there, and we all need to arm ourselves.

Simplify your routine with these easy steps.

  1. Write down a few outfit combinations as your ‘’Grab-And-Go.’’ Have a few in mind for work and a few for play. Post the list in your closet. Yes, you’ll feel like a 13-year-old girl, but you can’t be late again or your boss is going to start making you wear a dunce hat. And your friends are getting tired of your bullshit. Just trust me on this one.
  2. Put everything you use every day in a clear, plastic bag, just like you would if you were traveling. That way you’re not digging around in your Caboodle wondering where that fucking concealer is. Double bonus: If you’re going on an impromptu trip, you’re already packed!
  3. Stop wearing makeup that makes you look like a drag queen (unless you are a drag queen. In that case, carry on). If your makeup routine takes you more than five minutes, you’re wearing too much makeup. That cakey-Jersey Shore look is gross. It’s GROSS. Stop doing it. You look like someone tried to edit you in Microsoft Paint.
  4. Don’t second, third, or fourth-guess yourself. You look fine. It’s all in your head.

Now, get out of the bathroom and go live your life.

“What’s that diet pill with all the caffeine in it?”
“You mean, YOU?”

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