Hangover Cures That Actually Work

It might have just hit you that you overdid it on Saint Patrick’s Day, that green beer is nothing more than shitty beer with food coloring. Now you have green stains all over your shirt, and you’re not sure who that guy is on your living room floor.

It’s time to sift through the wreckage, Kid.

First things first: It’s going to be okay. You won’t feel like this forever. Your friends will forgive you.

I’m not going to go on a long tangent about prevention. You knew exactly what you were doing. Next time, you’ll have at least one water for every two drinks, won’t you?

After you get rid of whatever strangers are at your house, try some or all of the suggestions I’ve collected for you. These gems are from several professional partiers, and I’ve tried them all. Worth a shot.

Take a shower, get dressed, brush your teeth, fix your makeup. You’re probably covered in bar, and you smell, so you need to get rid of that. Plus, my list requires that you go out in public to buy these things. (Buy double, so you don’t have to leave the house next time.)

Alka Seltzer and a banana. Got this from a salty sailor. You may know him as “Z.” The first time you drink it, you’ll find it quite unpleasant, but this shit works. It’s a triple threat. The water hydrates, the painkillers… kill pain, and the fizzy stuff (I’m very sciencey) neutralizes your stomach, and you no longer feel like you ate the contents of a garbage disposal. As for the banana, no explanation. Just eat it.

Ignore the misguided “Hair of the Dog.” This is sort of like dating a guy with a face tattoo. It’s fun for a while, but shit will eventually get crazy. It might just ruin your life. Don’t drink alcohol today.

Purple Gatorade. A personal favorite. Water tastes bad sometimes, you know? Gatorade hydrates, is chuggable, and if it comes right back up, it tastes okay the second time, too. Some people like to do Pedialyte, but Gatorade gives you the same electrolytes without tasting like dog ass.

CoQ10 enzyme. My friend Pat explained the benefits to me once, but I couldn’t follow past “cells.” I did notice that my hangover stayed at bay after taking this little pill. You can find it in the vitamin section at the grocery store. It combats fatigue and prevents toxic overload. Give it a shot. While you’re at it, take a multivitamin.

Burger King Breakfast. Your head is spinning too much to sleep, so you’d might as well eat. A lot of people claim that greasy food coats your stomach. I have no idea if this is true, but I usually feel better after some of those little coin-shaped tots.

Rockstar Recovery non-carbonated energy drink in Lemonade.

Evelyn changed the game with this recommendation. This has taurine, milk thistle extract, and ginseng. Cleanses your liver and simultaneously rehydrates you. The caffeine will lift your spirits a bit, and some of the dysphoria* will subside. Things aren’t really that bleak, are they?

Now go get your day started. Try to be active. Maybe have lunch with some friends and piece together your evening. Don’t just lie around and wallow. You’re wasting your life. Just go to bed early tonight, and trust me, it could be a lot worse.

Hopefully you’re as good as new.

Good luck (it’s not just for the Irish),



When that ineffable compound of depression, sadness (these two are not the same), anxiety, self-hatred, sense of failure and fear for the future begins to steal over you, start telling yourself that what you have is a hangover. You are not sickening for anything, you have not suffered a minor brain lesion, you are not all that bad at your job, your family and friends are not leagued in a conspiracy of barely maintained silence about what a s**t you are, you have not come at last to see life as it really is and there is no use crying over spilt milk.- Kingsley Amis

*dysphoria, the exact opposite of euphoria. This term was introduced to me by Cory, one of the aforementioned professional partiers.

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