Silver Linings and Lessons Learned

I do not consider myself particularly brave, despite all the times I’ve been told this. I’m not brave. I’m just doing what I have to do. We can call it bravery, but it’s really just a bad hand I’ve been dealt. My options are to play it or do nothing. There is no bravery here. Only quiet persistence.  I choose to continue.

There is no fight. I am not fighting anything, except perhaps random bouts of overwhelming emotion. I guess I don’t really fight those, either. I just excuse myself to the bathroom and take deep breaths in the mirror. This is not the worst thing, I think to myself. You are not sick. You caught it in time.

The “what if” part was the worst of it, and once the MRI showed that it hadn’t spread beyond what was already being removed, I could breathe. Waiting was worse than knowing.

I feel changed. I look around rooms and wonder who has some secret ailment, who is doing this same silent dance. I delight in being around strangers who don’t know anything about me. I think about my future with a sense of calm. I am not afraid of it. I am thankful to have it.

This is perhaps the lesson I needed to learn from my experience. What matters, what doesn’t. The lucky opportunity to watch my family and friends grow old, versus whatever piddly thing I was so worried about.

The wedding, for example.

Like any bride, I fussed over details.  I researched proper etiquette, which makes me laugh now. How stupid is wedding etiquette? Now I visualize that day months from now, perfect or not, as an accomplishment, perhaps the proudest one of my life. I made it. We made it. Look what our love can endure.

I am not saying that little problems don’t help you. They shape your experience. They teach you how to behave should the situation arise again. But they will not be your undoing. They will be the first to go when shit actually hits the fan.

So, to all of you reading this, I thank you for your support. Your texts, gifts, notes and emails have given me much needed laughter and positivity, which was sometimes difficult to muster on my own. I am deeply moved by how many people showed that they care.

This is almost over, and it leaves me better than it found me.

__

@andcassiesaid

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3 thoughts on “Silver Linings and Lessons Learned

  1. Donna Watts

    Hi Cassie.
    This is Donna Watts….your old neighbor from Parkwood Acres. ( Remember, my son Nick was Justin’s best friend back in the day!?) I just want you to know I am thinking of you and sending prayers that all of this will be behind you soon. I have not seen you for years, so my memories of you are as a little girl! Congratulations on your engagement and your forthcoming wedding. You are a strong and beautiful girl and I wish that all your dreams will come true. God is holding onto you and watching over you and your family as you go through this ,so know you are never alone.
    Hang in there!

    Reply
  2. JoLynn Ingles

    Cassie, I got a laugh out of your last post. I know you traveled with Zach and I am sure he is like our boys, you just shower when someone tells you too! It sounds great to hear that you are on the mend and already getting out and about.

    I am sure Zach is right by your side, you couldn’t of had a better partner to see you through this than Zach. I love you both!\

    Aunt JoLynn

    Reply

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